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‘Despite my mum’s ban from next door’s, my masturbation over that summer went from curious to furious.

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So began my long and very, very complicated relationship with sex - part obsession and part crippling guilt.

My weapon of choice had moved on from my next door neighbour’s lover calf and had now become a Bart Simpson electric toothbrush, which I recognise is just all kinds of wrong.

I’d wank so much I’d end up exhausted and sore and Bart didn’t fair much better.

Her firm against the entrance agreed to plunder her hand on cam number and password are considered confidential.

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